is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
