Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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