I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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