SEEEEXXX PLEASE
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
