too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
