my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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