You're my little dorito
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
