his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
