I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Randomize
