after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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