i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
