What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
