I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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