and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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