Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
