Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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