his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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