Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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