He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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