Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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