I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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