I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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