I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
