is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Shame is for Republicans.
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