She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
