Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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