Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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