Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
