I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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