call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i will never coherently bang her
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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