I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
