Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Girls should come with a carfax report
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
