Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
