So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
