Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
last night I used snow as a chaser
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How naked do you want me to be?
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