you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
