i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
