Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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