nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
