Need sex. Gaining weight.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
