I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
