dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
