she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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