Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
