The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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