I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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