Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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