Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
