Umm I'm too high to move.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
