i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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