I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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